Pulp Comedy
Chapter
Sotheby
- Mr. aliEn T, I’m back—
- Huh? Mr. aliEn T?
- Are you there?
- Did someone call him away?
What a shame! He was so looking forward to tasting my Unicorn Belly Button Honey Butter Special. - But it makes sense that someone so busy and sought-after can’t wait around!
I must have missed him because I chatted for so long with Ms. Bunny on the way over. - But that’s alright; I have the ingredients ready!
Next time I see him, he can enjoy it freshly brewed!
Ms. Sotheby is enthusiastic, friendly, and well-liked.
But, of course, not everyone sees her that way.
Some see her as a noisy, brash, terrifying nightmare.
aliEn T
- … Thank goodness, she finally left.
aliEn T, for instance.
aliEn T
- It’s a good thing I’m agile; otherwise, everything would’ve been ruined. That girl is as noisy as a nest of sparrows, no … Worse.
- Tomorrow it’ll be Chuckling Bird Egg Liqueur and Spider Jump Juice, and the next day it’ll be Chocolate Fudge With Lion’s Mane Hair. Each encounter is more terrifying than the last, but she just keeps on getting happier—
- I need to contact my home planet as soon as possible. Since that accursed “Storm,” all my communications have been blocked. I have to figure out a way; I just have to …
- Wah—! Oh, no, it’s—
- …
- … Hello.
T-11002.1
- You don’t look very happy, old friend. Does this have anything to do with the fact that your work summary has been vacant for sixteen whole interstellar weeks?
aliEn T
- My machine broke. It doesn’t work here. I lost communication.
T-11002.1
- But I’m talking to you right now …
aliEn T
- Now—it works! Yes! It works again.
T-11002.1
- Ha … In any case, I’ll buy your excuse. We don’t have time for small talk right now.
aliEn T
- It’s not an excuse! Look what’s become of my communication machine!
T-11002.1
- The spacecraft and communication devices we prepared for the Interstellar Survey Program are the best available. You know that very well.
- They utilize the latest technology and contain the most expensive energy cores in the galaxy. They even shimmer in the night.
aliEn T
- Not my machine! Not at all. You gave me a stinking antique—it’s even decorated in the style of the last astrological era!
T-11002.1
- Oh, alright, fine. Quit complaining, E-0, old pal.
aliEn T
- I’m not your “pal.” Don’t call me that!
- If you’re just here to spout nonsense, find someone else to talk to. I’m hanging up.
T-11002.1
- Still as emotional as ever.
That’s exactly why you’ll never be a regional manager. - Don’t rush to cut me off. I bring you good news.
If you do well, this will be your last mission as an envoy to the Blue Planet. - Think of your wife and children. They miss you a lot.
aliEn T
- I understand. Go ahead. Let’s get this over with.
I don’t want to look at your ugly face for another second.
T-11002.1 shrugs noncommittally, if it is indeed possible to shrug without shoulders.
T-11002.1
- An adult. This time, we need an adult.
- Of course, we could also consider a teenager, but they should at least look like an adult.
- The Wide Galaxy Survey Plan is going smoothly. At 2.1 solar weeks, our investigators found a planet with a 91% similarity to the Blue Planet, but there’s not a single lifeform there.
- Or, more accurately, no humans.
- Sentient pizzas live there, just like the ones on the Blue Planet.
They’ve developed a civilization, even technology and society, and they worship humans as deities.
aliEn T
- … How stupid.
T-11002.1
- Indeed. They are innocent and adorable. We, on the other hand, are cunning and evil.
- Once you’ve brought back a human, we will deliver unto those little savory cheese disks a “god,” a god they’ve never seen but devoutly believe in.
aliEn T
- And then occupy their planet?
T-11002.1
- And then occupy their planet.
Sotheby
- Ah, Mr. aliEn T!
X
- Oh, be careful, miss.
Oliver Fog
- … Goodness, she has a lot of energy.
Mondlicht
- So fast … *pant, pant* … She runs faster than a wolf, even.
Vertin
- All the high-born young ladies have such speed.
Mondlicht
- … I see.
- Is there something they’re trying to escape?
X
- Hm—perhaps there is.
Like social dance lessons or private tutoring?
Oliver Fog
- Or perhaps it’s greedy capitalists chasing them down to work overtime.
- Did you know that some factory owners even add exhilarating potions to their cafeteria meals?
- I say, the Workers’ Union exists precisely for this kind of thing! Someone has to stand up and stop them—!
X
- Hang on. It looks like we’re losing her.
Vertin
- Is she using some sort of acceleration potion?
Mondlicht
- An acceleration … potion?
- I’ve heard of “potions.” If there’s a potion that makes people faster, could there be one that repels “Big Bad Wolves” too …?
X
- Ask Ms. Sotheby. She’ll help you out.
- She’s a good girl, very helpful, and she likes taking on new challenges.
- She’s helped me a lot with my experiments.
Oliver Fog
- … I must say, I sincerely disapprove of your behavior.
X
- Don’t say that; it’s a win-win collaboration.
Together, we’ve invented a variety of interesting things.
Sotheby
- Ah!!! Mr. aliEn T—!!!
aliEn T
- Bzz, bzz bzz … Brr … Brr brr … Boom …
Mondlicht
- Mr. aliEn T …?
X
- Uh oh, he doesn’t look so good.
- Unicorn hoof and … honey dirt? What did you give him?
Sotheby
- It’s just … It’s just this new potion I invented that makes you grow a beard …
aliEn T
- … Bzz bzz, bzz … Click click …
X
- He’s overheating. Gosh, his temperature’s high. With this much heat, you could fry a side of bacon on him.
Sotheby
- D-don’t worry … I’ll save you, Mr. aliEn T!
- The formula for Lockes’ Restorative Potion is vanilla root, sage … and … and …
X
- According to your notes, it’s two vanilla roots and three bunches of sage, no more.
Next, add … six phoenix feathers and three bottles of … unicorn tears?
Vertin
- How extravagant.
Oliver Fog
- I wholeheartedly agree.
Sotheby
- Oh, thank you so much. Please keep reading it to me!
- I have lots of materials on hand; they should be enough to make the potion!
aliEn T
- Now is my chance … They haven’t noticed me. I’ll just gently push the desk—
Sotheby
- Oh—!
- My potion! My cauldron!
Vertin
- Everyone, cover your nose and mouth! Get down!
Sotheby
- Oh! Okay!
Mondlicht
- … I can’t see through the smoke. This is dangerous.
Oliver Fog
- I knew I shouldn’t have stayed to watch the fun …
Whether you’re looking for it or not, overtime will find you. - Let me through, everyone. I’ll have this cleaned up in no time …
X
- Quiet, look.
Oliver Fog
- Huh?
… What’s he doing?
aliEn T
- Great, it worked!
- Tipping over the cauldron … What a brilliant plan!
No one can see me now!
aliEn T departs eagerly, full of confidence.
Clearly, he has not taken careful stock of who is at the scene.
Otherwise, he would have noticed the presence of Oliver Fog, someone most adept at dealing with smoke.
Oliver Fog
- … Ha.
X
- Shh.
- We’re tracking someone. Please act like a “tracker.”
Oliver Fog
- I knew I shouldn’t have stayed …
Vertin
- Too late now.
Oliver Fog
- No one asked for your input.
X
- It’s too late!~
Vertin
- I knew I shouldn’t have stayed …
Oliver Fog
- You feel the same way? Then why don’t we—
X
- It’s too late for regrets. Keep up.
X
- At least you’ve learned two important lessons from this—
- One: Stay away from excitement.
- Two: Always make sure to look behind you—haha!
X keeps his voice down but can’t conceal his amusement as he leads his tracking team forward.
Behind him, Mondlicht steps out of the shadows, frowning at their backs.
Mondlicht
- How odd … Smoke, strange potions …
- First Mr. aliEn T, now the lot of them. Where is everyone going?
- Something like this happened in the village once.
Could those filthy “Wolves” have followed us here too …?
aliEn T
- Up one more level, and I should be able to get out …
- I’ll make my way to the attic window and jump. It’s that simple!
- Although I’ve never been outside, the rabbit-eared girl in charge of purchasing told me that—
- Here we are.
- No one noticed me at all. What an ingenious plan! Haha!
I’ll be able to go home soon and see my dear family and friends!
After aliEn T leaves, X, who has been standing behind the attic door, pokes his head out.
X
- What a surprise.
Oliver Fog
- What do you mean?
X
- You two were making so much noise. I’m surprised he didn’t notice we were following him.
Oliver Fog
- Ah, yes … My sincerest apologies for that.
Vertin
- Oliver Fog made most of the noise …
Oliver Fog
- Vertin?!
X
- It’s true. Fog’s voice was louder.
I’m sorry for blaming you, Vertin.
Oliver Fog
- … You … I … What kind of people have I got mixed up with? It’s impossible to predict what you’ll do next …
Vertin
- You’re right. I’m sorry. My footsteps were too loud.
Oliver Fog
- Don’t say that. I was the one making most of the noise.
X
- Right, don’t say that. It’s all his fault.
Oliver Fog
- …
- You’re lucky I have thick skin and such a dutiful sense of responsibility. Otherwise, I would not be shouldering this overtime work.
X
- You have to face reality, my friend. That little metal gentleman is going to get away.
- Enough chit-chat. Ladies and gentlemen of the tracking team, we must pick up the pace!
(TO BE CONTINUED…)
Mondlicht
- It smells like … Vertin, and X, and Oliver Fog—achoo!
- They smell like … potions. Pungent.
- Something similar happened in the village once. People left their homes for the forest, speaking strange words …
- … I need to hurry if I’m going to catch up with them.
Mondlicht
- There are too many smells here … and so many people. I can’t make out anything.
- These tall houses lit with candles that never go out … racing metallic beasts … This is “modern society.” I’ve heard people talk about it before …
- … but I’ve never experienced it myself. There are so many things I’ve never seen before … I must be careful.
Mondlicht hides her hunting rifle in her coat and makes her way into the crowd.
Mondlicht
- Here …
- And here, too … They’re going in circles.
- They didn’t move quickly, so they probably aren’t being pursued. They’re looking for something …
Utilizing a hunter’s intuition in the city is not easy.
Here, it is noisy, bustling, and filled with unfamiliar scents. Mondlicht concentrates hard on her search. She follows the trail out of the alley and onto a wide street.
Mondlicht
- This place is huge. It’ll be tough to find them.
- If only I had asked the others earlier about “modern society.” Then I would know more …
- Is this …?
Behind a huge pane of glass, there is a pile of gray boxes, each with its own little window. They display countless howling wolves.
They growl and run, drool glistening from the corners of their mouths. Their narrow eyes glint coldly. Then, all at once, they pounce towards the window!
Mondlicht
- Get out of the way!
Passerby
- Ah— Mother—
- Oh my, I-I’m bleeding! Something grazed me!
Help! - A gunshot—It was a gunshot! Everybody down!
- Call the police, quick! It’s another alien attack! I knew it! I knew the aliens were watching us!
- It’s that girl! She fired a gun! I saw her!
Thick smoke billows from the smashed gray box and out through the now shattered glass pane.
In the other little windows, the exaggerated words “Halloween Adventure” pop up playfully.
It is just a harmless home television store.
Unfortunately, Mondlicht has never experienced, nor could she understand, such a complex “modern” facility.
Mondlicht
- No, I’m sorry I hurt you … There are wolves! You’re in danger …
- Please listen to me. They’ll hurt you. Take your children and hide. Don’t look outside, don’t think, don’t answer to any sounds. Just leave the rest to—
The police
- You, girl in the cloak! Hands in the air! Drop your weapons!
Mondlicht
- There are dangerous wolves on the prowl. Do not trust them.
- Are you the protectors of this place? Please take the people into the church and protect them. I’ll do my best to drive away the wolves as quickly as possible—
The police
- John, James, restrain her.
- Georgia, call St. Leah’s Sanitarium.
Ask them if—if there are any girls under ten who have run away. - Got it.
Officers in black uniforms encircle Mondlicht on both sides. She retreats a few paces, bumping into the shattered glass behind her.
The police
- Little girl, come here and hand me the gun.
That’s not something for you to play with; it’s too dangerous.
Mondlicht
- No.
- Don’t come any closer.
By the time the officers notice the moon-like glow around them, Mondlicht’s small figure has already disappeared.
She reappears several dozen meters away.
Her red cape billows behind her as she runs, making her all the more conspicuous of a target.
The police
- She’s gone! In an instant, just like that, she vanished!
- She’s an arcanist. I should have realized earlier, an arcanist!
No wonder she was acting so strangely—Georgia, use the taser. - But sir, she’s just a child …
- Now!
- … Understood!
Taser darts, crackling with purple and green electricity, shoot at the young arcanist.
Screams erupt from the crowd, half of them because of the terrifying bolt of electricity and the other half because of the baby blue Beetle that has just lifted up into the air.
Bunny Bunny
- How. Can. They—
- Bully. A. Child. Like. That?!
The police
- Jeez, … what on earth is that?!
- Help! Somebody help!
Bunny Bunny
- Come with me. This way!
Mondlicht
- Ms. Bunny Bunny! There are wolves. It’s dangerous! We—
Bunny Bunny
- Wolves? Ah, oh! Uh, um …
- That was just a television. It’s a long story. Right now, we need to run!
- Here, take my hand!
(Remote Alley)
aliEn T
- Oh♪~ And I think to myself♪~ What a wonderful world♪~
- Oh♪~ Thank you for being so smart~ E-0991.31!
- No more aliEn T! I’m going home!
E-0991.31
- And I’ll be E-0991.31 again!
aliEn T
- For now, I’m still aliEn T.
But soon, very soon, I won’t be! - As soon as I catch a human …!
- I’ll have more Nebula trophies in my house than there is trash in this alley!
- And I’ll be wealthy enough to buy thousands of these cheap little apartments!
aliEn T comes across an open window.
Wafting through the window is the sound of a conversation on the phone that has clearly gone on too long, interspersed by the clicking of a camera shutter.
Photographer
- That’s it, Williams. This is the last time I’m taking photos for you!
Williams
- No, you can’t just give up on me like that!
There’s still District Nine—yes! I’m speaking to you as a District Nine detective!
Photographer
- Ha, come on!
- Buddy, you’ve been “exiled” to the local precinct for nine months. How many people in District Nine still remember your face? Don’t think I don’t know you’re not welcome there—
- Hey, the shots came out well.
- What were we just talking about? Oh! And you offended the new boss!
Williams
- … E-enough!
- If this is your last time, you better take a few more shots.
- … For me. For the sake of our friendship.
Photographer
- But, you know, I’m tired of shooting toys suspended by wires. How old do you think I am? Thirteen? Fourteen? I need something real! Something that can actually fly!
- Buddy, you have to start searching for the real thing—stop with these fakes, stop daydreaming!
- You can’t just hope for the UFO of your dreams to appear right outside your window, like a sparrow!
- Besides, this d**n apartment window is so narrow that a sparrow couldn’t even perch on it!
aliEn T
- …
What a fitting encounter.
Photographer
- Huh?
aliEn T
- … A human!
This is so—
Photographer
- Officer.
Williams
- What?
Photographer
- Call for backup. There’s a real UFO in your house.
- A true, bonafide, realer-than-real alien!
- In your window! Your window!
aliEn T
- Wait, wait, I’m not real! I’m a toy! Just a toy!
Williams
- I-I’ll go out right away!
- Oh, and don’t forget to lock the door when you leave.
Photographer
- It’s the real deal! The genuine article!
Wow … Look at that beautiful plating. There’s no way this kind of craftsmanship could be done on Earth!
aliEn T’s protests are of no use.
He should have known that not everyone is as gullible as Sotheby.
Photographer
- Oh … Your beautiful antennae and those little windows …
Let me take a photo. I need to get a good shot of you …
The photographer gasps with excitement, envisioning the fame that would be his—“The UFO Discoverer”! All alien enthusiasts would adore him!
Photographer
- Oh! I will definitely go down in history!
The pursuers arrive quickly, prowling behind him like a gang of stray dogs.
aliEn T
- D****t! Sunspots! What a wormhole of a day this turned out to be!
Williams
- Stop! We see you!
aliEn T
- S-stop?!
Ha! Human! Would you stop if I told you not to run?! - If you wouldn’t do it yourself, then don’t shoot your mouth off!
The police
- Actually, that makes sense. Why do we always shout “stop”?
Williams
- Shut up, you idiot! Catch that alien!!
aliEn T is in the lead, with the whole police squad following closely behind.
During the pursuit, the officer and his team smash fifteen pots of roses and trample two small vegetable patches.
aliEn T’s antennae sever nine clotheslines, two of which are hanging some little girls’ only dresses.
Finally, they are back on the street.
They pass a café, an ice cream parlor, a fruit stall, and over twenty newsstands.
Of course, being well versed in Blue Planet TV shows, aliEn T has mastered a particular trick.
A trick that all fruit sellers abhor.
aliEn T
- Ha! Have a taste of this!
Williams
- Hey! Oh … It’s just a banana peel. What’s the big idea?
aliEn T
- Consider yourself lucky, you wrinkly bastard!
Williams
- I’ll be lucky if you’re sent to the dissecting table, you, uh … shiny serving platter!
The police
- Wait, wai— Ah—!
aliEn T
- Hahaha! Looks like your men aren’t quite as skilled as you are!
Fruit Seller
- My fruit!
The police
- Sorry, sorry! We’re very sorry. The city police department will pay for it!
One encounter after another, the officers apologize under their breath as they charge through the neighborhood, leaving chaos in their wake.
Fruit Seller
- What is going on today!?
- Arcanists! Aliens! Gunshots from two blocks away, followed by someone tossing a car!
Many others join his lamentation.
The housewives who lost their potted plants, the young girls whose dresses were ruined, and the driver whose brand-new car was destroyed.
There will be many lights illuminating sad faces tonight, and countless people will find it difficult to sleep.
aliEn T
- *panting*
- I finally … lost them …
Why are h-humans … so fast … My power core is almost fried …
Williams
- Phew … Where did it go?
Did you … Did anyone see?!
The police
- S-sorry, sir …
No … No one saw.
Williams
- Spread out! It must be around here somewhere … Search the alley!
aliEn T
- … What kind of stalkers are these people?! I have to find a place to hide!
- Huh? Wait, this is …
(TO BE CONTINUED…)
(Messy Room)
aliEn T
- … where I was spotted earlier … I didn’t think the window would still be open.
- Although, that photographer was crazed. Of course he wouldn’t remember to close it.
- Bless the nebula! What good luck! Now all I have to do is get out of here and find a human who’s alone—
aliEn T removes his now fully-cooled heat sink from the water glass on the table. He absent-mindedly floats around the room.
Once again, he finds himself in an impossible situation. He always seemed to be on the losing side of interstellar office politics, too.
aliEn T
- Agh … today is such a wormhole of a day.
The window before him is locked, its rusty latch clasped firmly shut.
He recalls how he burst into the room, and how forcefully he shut the window—it must have been then that the latch fell.
He was careless, inept at any delicate task, his mind a one-track line. And now, he has locked himself in a strange room.
aliEn T
- Well, well!
Nothing’s going right today! - First Sotheby’s strange drink, then that bastard T-11002.1, and now the police! It just never ends!
- Why, why do I always manage to mess everything up?!
- Tasks! Interpersonal relationships! Catching a human—all I have to do is open the hatch, put the human in, and close it back up again! Just three steps!
aliEn T slams himself against the wall in frustration.
What recklessness and incompetence! Yet he cannot seem to learn from his mistakes.
aliEn T
- Hey, no, don’t—!
The studio apartment is old and worn. It can’t withstand such abuse.
The shelf on the wall comes loose, bringing down a pile of books and CDs, burying aliEn T underneath, and kicking up a cloud of dust.
aliEn T
- *coughs*
- Oh, wait … This is an “Uncle Backpack” record. The most classic one!
- I have the exact same one on my spaceship. It’s my favorite record!
Most of the books on the floor are covered in dust and yellowed with age.
Only this album looks clean, as if it had been used frequently.
aliEn T
- … Well I’ll be! Does that eccentric photographer actually have good taste?
aliEn T carefully surveys the apartment.
There are no cameras or film on any of the shelves, let alone a darkroom setup.
The wallpaper is molding in the corners, odds and ends clutter the table, old takeout boxes are stacked by the door, and piles of unwashed clothes lie on chairs, emitting a faint sour smell. This place is clearly not taken care of.
aliEn T
- This can’t be the photographer’s home, but whoever lives here is pretty sloppy!
- Oh … but this record is a classic among classics!
- When I was still working on the interstellar space station, it cost me half a month’s salary to buy one from the investigator.
- Oh! Look at these! I like all of these!
The room is small, but almost every inch is piled with things he likes.
aliEn T’s unbridled joy temporarily overwhelms his anxiety about being trapped. He whirls around the room.
aliEn T
- A blue shirt. That’s a good color. Nice choice.
- Mexican takeout … Triple hot sauce. You’re quite the gourmet!
- The fridge is almost completely full of beer! It’s just a shame that there are no quantum hops on this planet.
- What’s this? A family photo album?
- Oh, a picture—presumably this is his wife and daughter. It’s just like my family!
Several hours earlier …
Oliver Fog
- Since I have no choice but to proceed, I must declare—I did not voluntarily engage in this tracking mission!
X
- Relax, friend.
- Think of today as a “detective game.”
Oliver Fog
- Hey, wait—
X pulls Oliver Fog’s collar, making it stand even more sharply.
X
- Enjoy your work, Oliver Holmes.
Vertin
- I think work is what he dislikes most.
Oliver Fog
- You’re right, Vertin.
- I do hate work. And what we’re doing now is very similar to my usual work—just walking around the streets, waiting for trouble to happen.
X
- Helping others makes you happy. Everyone says that, right?
Oliver Fog
- Ha, I’m not falling for that. That’s what those administrators who contacted me said!
Vertin
- What about me?
Oliver Fog
- … Is the title “Holmes” really so charming?
X
- Of course, it’s Sherlock Holmes! Everyone wants to be Sherlock Holmes.
Oliver Fog
- Well, I don’t. He looks busy.
Or rather, the only side of him we see is when he’s busy deducing things and solving crimes.
X
- Well, the name of that book is The Sherlock Holmes Mysteries, not The Sherlock Holmes Vacation.
Oliver Fog
- It is precisely for that reason that Holmes significantly intensified Conan Doyle’s “overtime.” So, Doyle punished Holmes with “death,” but he still climbed up from the cliff, and everything remained the same.
X
- Well, my nervous friend—
Under Oliver Fog’s anxious gaze, X tosses a small metal ball.
A track appears out of thin air, and as the ball advances, a series of dominoes, matches, beakers, and a small piece of turf guide its way.
Finally, after a series of intricate processes, a thin iron rod strikes an apple high into the air from the fruit stand.
It lands squarely in X’s hand.
X
- Have some fruit to take the edge off.
After this, we’ll have a nice vacation and do some shopping.
Oliver Fog
- Hey, hold on, is that the sound of someone yelling?
The exclamations are coming from down the street. X follows Oliver Fog’s gaze. On the street corner, a brand new baby blue Beetle is slowly rising into the air.
And the person holding up the car is …
They are too far to be sure, but considering the number of people in the world who can lift a car like that—
Vertin
- Bunny Bunny?
X
- Yes, and Mondlicht.
- They’re in trouble. We need to help them. Quickly.
Vertin
- Let’s go!
Fruit Seller
- Thief! Don’t think you can get away!
Police! Someone call the police!
The fruit seller grabs the arm with which X is holding the apple and yanks him back.
X
- Sir, it’s an apple. We can afford it.
Oliver Fog
- X! Don’t talk like that!
- Yes, we were negligent, but we didn’t mean to be, sir—
It’s just an apple. We’ll pay—double! What do you think?
Fruit Seller
- Impossible! You’re just a sorcerous little rat!
- I saw what you did—making things appear from nowhere! If you can use them to steal, you can use them to take revenge!
- You’ll use them to cause mischief. Maybe you’ll create an alien laser and cut off my fingers!
- People like you should be in jail—
Oliver Fog
- That’s a bit excessive, sir!
Fruit Seller
- Away with you, you scruffy little boy!
The fruit seller pushes Oliver Fog away. He hawks and spits on the ground.
X
- Ah, it seems we are in an era that is not very friendly to arcanists.
Oliver Fog
- … Which era are you referring to?
Still being pulled, only half a foot able to touch the ground, X gives a slight smile.
X
- I’m referring to most eras, my dear friend.
The police
- We’ve documented the matter. Your reason for filing a report is … for the theft of an apple, right?
Fruit Seller
- Yes, yes, an apple, Officer!
Oh, and to satisfy the sense of justice of a law-abiding citizen!
The police
- Alright, we understand. Rest assured, we’ll put these thieves away.
Fruit Seller
- Thank you, officer!
X
- The police totally changed their tune when they apprehended us. How interesting.
Oliver Fog
- … This is my first time wearing handcuffs.
Vertin
- Me too.
X
- Oh! It’s my first time too!
Oliver Fog
- No need to be modest, Mr. X. I’ve never met anyone more adept at wearing handcuffs than you.
Vertin
- I hope Bunny Bunny and Mondlicht are alright.
Oliver Fog
- As long as Bunny Bunny is there, they’ll be fine … You can trust her and her formidable strength to take care of both of them.
X
- I’ve seldom seen a better guardian than her. Don’t worry.
The police
- Hey, you little rascals! Quit the chatter and come with me.
X
- Officer, we’re not going to jail, are we?
The police
- It’s just an apple. You didn’t mean it; you’re dressed decently, and you even paid double the price for it.
- Even if you are arcanists, you won’t end up in jail for this. Don’t worry.
- All you need to do is come back with me, make a statement, and—boom! You’re free.
Oliver Fog
- Even if we’re …
X
- I see. Thank you very much.
The police
- You should be grateful, really. If this had happened even twenty years ago, you would’ve been sent— Oh! Joseph!
The police
- Are you wrapping up too? How did things go this morning?
- Don’t ask … What about you? What are you doing with these people?
- Solving a little dispute. They just need to make a statement.
- Oh boy! I wish our day was that easy. Sir, you have no idea! That brown-haired girl is terrifying—I’ve seen bears less scary than her!
Mondlicht
- …
Bunny Bunny
- Huh? … Haha, what’s everyone doing here?
X
- Ms. Bunny Bunny, you didn’t leave with us earlier, did you?
Bunny Bunny
- No, of course not. I was just out buying supplies for everyone!
- You guys and Mondlicht all rushed out like a swarm of bees. What are you up to?
- When I spotted the girl, a bunch of cops were chasing after her. Of course, I was a bit impulsive … Next thing I knew, we were both getting nabbed. We didn’t even make it 3 blocks!
Mondlicht
- I left together with these three, but I lost them pretty quickly, and … I got into trouble.
X
- That’s funny. We were following aliEn T and lost him too. Then we got into trouble right after.
Vertin
- Yes, yes, it all sounds like a great, long, confusing story.
Bunny Bunny
- That’s okay; we have lots of time. Sit back, relax, and—
The police
- Hah, look who’s back!
The squad leader returns. He is drenched in sweat, his soaked clothes sticking to his body. He looks utterly disheveled.
The squad members behind him are in a similar state—some with mud in their hair, others with twigs hanging out of their pockets. The smell of sludge and rotten fruit quickly fills the air.
Williams
- …
The police
- Hey, look, who’s that? It’s Williams. Williams! District Nine Detective Williams!
- Look at him, acting like he’s really caught an alien. Maybe it’s time he quit police work and became an actor!
It is a blatantly embarrassing situation.
Williams’ dirty, sweaty face promptly reddens.
Williams
- It’s true! It was a real alien! I was so, so close to catching it!
- I just made a small mistake. I won’t stay here forever. All I need is one chance, and I can return to District Nine.
- And you guys! What have you been doing? Huh?! Shouting like a bunch of rowdy eighth-graders?! Just you wait. I’ll be back soon. Back to District Nine. You downtown officers are just—
Williams’ furious shouts don’t scare anyone; they just laugh even louder.
The police
- Yeah! Yeah, believe him; believe Williams!
We just have to believe in the aliens he talks about and the emergency calls from his house— - You poor demoted sod. You irresponsible, arrogant, self-righteous, liar! You, who cause weekly trouble with your fake photos, you want to go back to District Nine? You can’t even do your job here properly!
Williams
- It-it wasn’t fake—
The police
- Come on, we all know Jones. We know he hangs out with you, and we know he takes your pictures and calls the police for you. How much do you pay him?
Mondlicht
- … They’re saying bad things, aren’t they?
Bunny Bunny
- Of course! They’ve gone too far! It’s not right, Mondlicht. You should never treat anyone like this!
Mondlicht
- I understand. That man smells sad, like … slugs.
X
- If you ask me, he just needs a proper Goldberg machine.
- Not only would it easily resolve his work issues, but it would completely eliminate all these conflicts and frustrations.
Mondlicht
- It can … resolve everything? What a convenient machine.
- Maybe it could really help—
Oliver Fog
- No, don’t believe what he says about any machine.
- But, I must say, being irresponsible at work is a dereliction of duty.
- Although I can’t say I love my job, I never neglect it.
- If one is overly ambitious to the point to which they can’t fulfill their duties, then one should indeed be punished.
Mondlicht
- Responsibility towards work … I understand.
Bunny Bunny
- Oliver! We shouldn’t instill this kind of knowledge in kids!!
Oliver Fog
- Ah, no! Of course, bullying people like that isn’t good! It’s bad!
- I just mean, he shouldn’t be irresponsible at work …
Williams
- Enough! Enough! Shut up!
Oliver Fog
- … What, what now?
X
- While you’ve been lost in your very serious discussion, their conflict has been heating up.
- Officer Williams is now isolated and in a rage. If someone doesn’t leave the scene now, chances are they’ll break into a fight—watch.
Mondlicht
- … He left.
The police
- Alright, time to take your information, beginning with the little girl—what’s your name?
(TO BE CONTINUED…)
aliEn T
- Maybe I should find some magazines to read. It’ll help pass the time. I could even gather some information …
Having nowhere to go, he idly circles the room.
His pondering is interrupted by a loud knock at the door. It must be a visitor, or perhaps someone returning home.
aliEn T
- Oh, what—!
Voice Outside the Door
- Who are you? Why are you in my room?!
aliEn T
- …
Voice Outside the Door
- … It’s no use keeping quiet! I already heard you!
The voice outside the door heaves a long, deflated sigh.
Voice Outside the Door
- I forgot my keys when I went out. I can’t get into the house. I can’t do anything … Please just leave, and we’ll pretend this never happened.
There is weariness and resignation in the voice. It can’t even muster hostility towards the stranger who has broken into its home.
aliEn T
- … Alright, friend.
aliEn T is not good at empathizing with others.
And today, he has no more energy to muster.
aliEn T
- Please don’t call the police. I can explain everything. I didn’t mean to enter your house … Or at least, I didn’t mean to stay here this long.
- I ducked in because—well, I can’t go into details, but it was a terrible, awful afternoon. I had to hide, and the window was open.
- Immediately after my entry, by some coincidence, your window locked itself. By the looks of it, it’s broken. So I’ve been locked in here for hours and hours, all the way until now.
- … So, do you believe me?
- Hey, are you there?
There is nothing but silence for a long time. aliEn T notices that the light that was previously shining under the door is now partially blocked; the person on the other side is sitting on the ground, leaning against it.
Voice Outside the Door
- I don’t care if you’re telling the truth, brother. Whether you’re a thief, a robber, some kind of weirdo, or something else, I don’t care …
- But if it makes you feel better … I believe you.
- You’ve had a rough day too, haven’t you … Haha, in that regard, we’re the same.
aliEn T
- Okay … bro … -ther.
Thank you for your trust.
His mouth opens and closes arduously, the intimate term slipping out and clattering to the ground. He has never called anyone that before.
Voice Outside the Door
- How’s that broken window looking?
aliEn T
- It’s okay. At least, it looks okay … It’s just latched shut. The left side of the window frame is a bit warped, but overall, it’s still usable.
Voice Outside the Door
- That’s good. That window has always been like that; it won’t open once it’s shut.
When they fitted it, they put it in backwards … and never fixed it. - What kind of window locks from the outside? That’s why I never close it.
aliEn T
- Ah … but the bad news is, I broke your bookshelf …
Voice Outside the Door
- Oh, that is indeed bad news …
- The landlord here is an awful old man. His temper is … nasty.
- The things in this apartment are so old, they can break at the slightest touch, but he’ll still hound you and yell, even if you pay him for it … But all in all, it’s not so bad.
The voice outside the door takes a deep breath, as if using all its strength to accept this reality.
aliEn T
- Sorry, I didn’t mean to.
Voice Outside the Door
- Oh, don’t worry about it. It won’t be the first time I’ve had to face him. I broke his milk jug and a drawer not long ago.
- … But thank you. You’re the first person today who’s apologized to me.
- You can take whatever you want from my room; I don’t have anything valuable. If you like it, you can take it … Except for my records, please leave those.
The voice outside the door softly chatters away.
aliEn T
- Hey—! I really like your records!
- “Uncle Backpack.” Who doesn’t love “Uncle Backpack”?
Voice Outside the Door
- Really? You’re kidding!
aliEn T
- I’d never joke about something so important!
Your taste in music is really good—amazingly good! - I saw the records on your shelf when I—uh, when I broke it.
Voice Outside the Door
- Never mind the landlord and this crappy apartment; that’s my favorite record!
- I love it! I listen to it when I can’t sleep!
In theory, people meet countless friends throughout their lives.
Because there are so many people in the world, and so many of them are incredibly similar to you, soulmates abound. As long as you find them and recognize them, you will have friendships as rich and fragrant as fine wine.
The only tricky part is—how do you find them and recognize them?
aliEn T
- Oh, yes, I did!
- I exposed the guy. He’d never even listened to jazz, yet he insisted he was an expert on it!
Voice Outside the Door
- Well done—haha! I’ve never heard such a satisfying story!
- If I’d been you, brother, I would’ve cracked open a nice bottle of wine, played some records, and had a feast!
aliEn T
- That’s exactly what I did!
Voice Outside the Door
- Wait, let me guess—
Did you put on Flowers of Life or Scimitar? Hey! What about What a Wonderful World?
aliEn T
- I listened to every song I had—haha!
I simply couldn’t choose, and besides, why play one song when you have plenty of time for more?
Voice Outside the Door
- Okay, okay, you’re right … And then what? What happened next in that weird office of yours?
aliEn T
- Then I had to pay the price.
aliEn T slowly descends from the air, coming to a stop on the floor in front of the door.
aliEn T
- Within a week, that sly, eloquent fox became my boss. Not half a month later, I lost my job.
- I was transferred to an office that didn’t fit me, and they gave me a musty old Flight … Apartment.
Voice Outside the Door
- Flight Apartment?
aliEn T
- Yes …! Flight Apartment. The name of the apartment building is “Flight.”
- Enough about me … Let’s talk about you, brother!
Voice Outside the Door
- Oh … I-I don’t have anything interesting to say.
I’m like you … I was demoted. - But I don’t have any exciting stories about it. I wasn’t popular in my old office.
- I always screwed everything up, so my coworkers didn’t like me, no matter how hard I tried.
- I left my job and came to the city, away from my family. They worry about me. Hah … they send me freshly made seasonal jams and pickles every month.
- And I—And I … I haven’t even visited them once.
aliEn T
- That’s not good. They must miss you.
Voice Outside the Door
- I know … I know.
- But my little Jennifer, my Mariana … I want to get my job back and return home with dignity. Maybe that way I can prove that I can be successful and that I’m not a joke.
- All I can do is write letters, telling them over and over again how much I miss them …
aliEn T
- Brother …
- If you miss your family, you should go home. No matter who you are, no matter where you are.
- Your daughter and wife are waiting for you, not for a job posting, right?
Voice Outside the Door
- …
- Yes, you’re right.
- Look at me, I’m crying … I’ve been so afraid to say all this. Thank you … Thank you for taking the time to talk with me, brother. Truly, thank you.
aliEn T
- No, no need to thank me. It’s what I really think.
- If I could choose, I would leave everything I have now and go back to my family immediately.
- You’re so lucky. You have the power to choose.
Voice Outside the Door
- I’m sorry. Does talking about this upset you?
aliEn T
- No, no. I love talking about my … family.
Voice Outside the Door
- If not for this door, I’d give you a hug, believe me. Oh, right, one more thing …
- Brother, if you don’t mind—I mean, if you don’t mind seeing me—can you pass me the key under the door?
- We can sit together, have a drink, and listen to some music.
aliEn T
- …
- Alright. I guess it’s no big deal.
- But brother, I look a little strange. I hope you … won’t be frightened. And please, don’t take any photos of me.
aliEn T floats up and spots the set of keys without too much effort.
He tosses them out under the door.
Voice Outside the Door
- Don’t worry. Even if you have six noses and thirteen eyes, I won’t be afraid.
- I’ve seen so much in my job. I’ve even seen a flying saucer—
aliEn T
- Oh, oh …
Williams
- … My goodness.
The police
- Sir! Paperwork has arrived from the police department requesting a full-scale pursuit of the UFO—
Mondlicht
- Don’t worry too much, Ms. Bunny Bunny.
Bunny Bunny
- Oh … no, no. I’m in big trouble!
- What should we do? We need to find him fast!
Oliver Fog
- No, if it hadn’t been you, it would’ve been me or Vertin. After all, none of us could have imagined …
The police
- Search the city high and low! Search every house!
- I told you! We really did see an alien today!
- Damn, who’d have thought some of Williams’ crazy would rub off on you!? He brought back so many photos, and not a single one was real. How could you believe him?
- Williams! Has anyone been able to get in touch with him?!
- Not yet. His squad has been sent to check his apartment and the restaurants he frequents. Why are you trying to find him anyway? What use could he be?
- He’s the only one of us who has actually encountered a UFO. We have no choice.
- Please cooperate with our investigation, ma’am. I have to check this room.
X
- Who could have imagined that this would be an era of “UFO mania”?
- Officer, we’ve completed our statements. Can we go now?
The police
- Oh, yes. Go ahead.
Hurry home and watch out for aliens on the way!
Mondlicht
- There are fewer people on the streets now.
Oliver Fog
- It’s probably as a result of the police announcement. They just said that we should go straight home. It seems that while UFOs are popular in this era, they still have a certain deterrent effect.
X
- That’s just how people are. The scarier something is, the more curious they are about it.
Mondlicht
- …
Vertin
- Mondlicht, do you smell anything?
Mondlicht
- … I can smell Mr. aliEn T. Everyone’s gone home, so there isn’t much interference now.
- But … the smell is very complex and strong. He must have been through here many times.
Bunny Bunny
- Great! Can you find where he is now?
Mondlicht
- I just need a moment …
- Found him. Come with me.
(TO BE CONTINUED…)
The police
- Captain Williams!!!
At the other end of the corridor, the members of Williams’ squad are climbing the old, rickety staircase.
The leading officer has a sheet of paper clenched in his hand. He waves it vigorously upon seeing him.
The police
- The chief of police has appointed you commander of the UFO investigation and arrest operation!
The enforcement team from District Nine’s Special Investigation Unit is on its way and will arrive this afternoon!
aliEn T
- —!!!
Williams
- How … What?
Withdrawing his gaze, the two “brothers” look at each other.
Williams doesn’t understand exactly where the craft’s face is or how it can speak, but he can still sense the fear emanating from him.
Williams
- —
A cliché to the extreme.
At this moment, time stops.
AliEn T looks at Williams. He wears a somewhat funny expression. The corners of his mouth sink deeply, disappearing into his slightly baggy, stubbled skin.
Williams’ fingers spread open as he reaches to grasp something. His hand quickly lands on the shoe cabinet.
The glass ashtray is not much of a weapon, but it is certainly enough to knock out a small aircraft. Williams frowns deeply, his fingertips turning white as he clenches it in his hand.
The ashtray flies through the window pane, smashing it to pieces. The old bearings groan miserably as fragments of shattered wall crumble and fall.
Williams
- Run for it.
Before the police can arrive, aliEn T turns and shoots out through the smashed window.
It is so badly broken. Williams will definitely suffer from it.
aliEn T
- Quick, I need to be quick. It’s too dangerous now. I need to get back to the suitcase quickly!
- I know what those people do to us, especially the ones who get caught—I know! I’ve heard all about it!
aliEn T has never flown so fast before.
He has been through this alley once. He caused quite a bit of destruction.
The people who live here despise him.
So they have vowed to protect their dilapidated alley with every ounce of their strength.
aliEn T
- Whoa—!
- D**n it! Why are there fishing nets here?! Isn’t this an inland city?
X
- It’s obvious.
- Fishing is a popular pastime among middle-aged men.
A pair of glittering silver scissors come flying through the air, and the fishing nets fall to the ground.
X
- I must apologize, Mr. aliEn T.
My Goldberg machine took a little long. Sorry to keep you waiting.
aliEn T
- Huh? You—What are you lot doing here?
X
- We were worried about you, of course. Did you have something important to do?
It’s so dangerous out here. You shouldn’t have come out alone.
Bunny Bunny
- X! Now is not the time for chitchat—!!
- Mr. aliEn T! Let’s get out of here! It’s too dangerous right now!
- I just heard some police officers talking; they want to dissect you!
Mondlicht
- Let’s go out the back. They’re here!
The police
- Commander Williams, what are your orders?
Williams
- It likes to hide in alleys. Split up into three teams and start searching.
aliEn T
- …
Oliver Fog
- They’re still searching. There are investigators on the street outside.
- It seems we have no choice but to fight …
Ms. Vertin, please ensure you mark me as present for work today.
Oliver Fog unfurls his huge black umbrella, twisting the handle a half-turn to the left. Smoke billows out like a flood, covering the ground in front of him.
Vertin
- Meet you at the Forest Garden.
The billowing fog surges up from the ground, engulfing Oliver Fog’s figure in the blink of an eye. His top hat sways slightly as he steps leisurely into the haze.
Oliver Fog
- Alright, we’ll meet there.
The police
- Squad Three has located the target!
- The UFO is active at the junction between 3rd and 6th—Wait, hang on—
- Those troublemakers are with him. They’re in cahoots!
- Quick, notify the others!
Bunny Bunny
- Oops! You found us!
- We’re so very sorry, but we’ve got to protect Mr. aliEn T now. Please bear with us!
The police
- Wait, no, I won’t report it!
Please don’t hang me from a tree! No, no! Ahh— - Run for it!!
- No, it’s too late! P-please not the apple tree! I’m allergic! Ah-ah … Achoo!
Bunny Bunny
- Oh, sorry, you’re allergic?
Just a moment, don’t squirm; let me move you to another one—
Vertin
- We should go.
Bunny Bunny
- Okay! Got it!
On my way!
X
- Huff … Phew … I … Did I ever mention … that I’m not a good runner?
Bunny Bunny
- Just hang on a little longer. The suitcase is hidden in the park up ahead. It’ll be over soon!
- Here, let me help you—
Williams
- Stop right there!
Leave the UFO. I repeat, leave the UFO!
Bunny Bunny
- We lost most of them. He’s the only one who chased us down! He just won’t give up!
X
- Honestly … Ahem, all of you, including him, have remarkable stamina.
Any regular person would have been in my condition long ago … Phew …
Bunny Bunny
- X, hold onto me!
X
- Wait … Hang on, Bunny Bunny. I’m alright—
With her boundless strength, Bunny Bunny acts decisively. In one swift motion, she throws X over her shoulder and speeds away.
At that moment, a figure bursts out from the forest fog and joins them.
Oliver Fog
- Perhaps if you exercised more and stopped relying on your machines, you wouldn’t be so weak.
Bunny Bunny
- Oliver Fog! You’re back!
X
- Stop with the sarcastic remarks! If you know what’s good for you—
Vertin
- The suitcase is just up ahead. Take my hand!
The fleeing arcanists clasp their hands together. The sound of the incantation quickly fades into the chirping of birds.
In the distance, the rumbling footsteps intermingle, like a net closing in from all sides.
aliEn T
- Goodbye!
The police
- Commander Williams—
Two shouts directed at Williams ring out almost simultaneously.
But Williams doesn’t look in either direction. He simply raises his hand high towards the southern sky.
Williams
- The group of arcanists and the UFO headed south; they’re hiding in the city. Change direction!
In their rush to change course, the police officers fail to notice the brief flash of light as the incantation triggers.
His arm sways three times to the left and right, as if it is trembling from the inability to steady a handgun.
The last thing aliEn T sees is Williams’ arm stretched straight up into the sky.
—Goodbye, friend.
(TO BE CONTINUED…)
Sotheby
- Oh my! What a thrilling and exciting adventure you’ve had!
- If only I had gone along too! I’m sure the people there have never seen anything like Sotheby’s Special Potions. I bet they would have been a big hit—and I could have been on television too!
Oliver Fog
- If you had come too, I think things would have been even more chaotic …
X
- I think you mean “fun.”
Sotheby
- Of course! I am a “fun” lady!
Bunny Bunny
- —I’m back! What’s everyone talking about?
Sotheby
- Ah! Ms. Bunny!
- Oliver Fog and Mr. X were just telling me the story of your adventures last week!
Bunny Bunny
- Oh, yes, yes! That one really is a thriller.
- Oh, about that! Mr. aliEn T, I have something to give you—
aliEn T
- …
Bunny Bunny
- Mr. aliEn T?
aliEn T
- …
Bunny Bunny
- Mr. aliEn T!
aliEn T
- Hm, huh—? What?
Bunny Bunny
- I saw this outside … I think it’ll interest you.
Bunny Bunny takes out a stack of newspapers from a backpack. Judging by the date, exactly one week has passed since the last expedition.
Oliver Fog
- “The local UFO incident has attracted national attention. Detective Williams, who is responsible for the investigation, has had multiple close encounters with UFOs …”
X
- “Mr. Williams was once a member of the District Nine Special Investigation Team. This encounter has made him famous. It has been reported that multiple media outlets have requested exclusive interviews with him.”
- “But he has shown no interest. He submitted his resignation to the police station last Friday afternoon.”
- That’s unexpected. He was pursuing us so eagerly. It seemed like he genuinely loved his job. I would have thought he was committed to his career.
Oliver Fog
- I shouldn’t say this, but … This was undoubtedly a great opportunity for him to make a name for himself. Why would he just give it up? I don’t understand.
aliEn T
- Because it was his duty.
- We had an agreement.
Bunny Bunny
- An agreement? Mr. aliEn T, do you know this police officer?
aliEn T
- We’re friends.
… Brothers even.
X
- Brothers? Wow, I didn’t realize you two had that kind of relationship …
Sotheby
- Huh? What do you mean “brothers” …? Didn’t you say that the officer was trying to catch you?
- I don’t get it …
This story is even more complicated than those romance novels Ms. Moissan reads …
aliEn T
- We didn’t know each other for long. We only talked briefly about … a few things.
- Ms. Bunny, thank you for giving me this. I’ll take good care of it.
Bunny Bunny
- Oh, well, of course! If it makes you happy, keep it!
Ultimately, no one can understand how the friendship between aliEn T and Williams was born nor why one chased and the other fled.
aliEn T is no longer melancholic and lost in thought; most of the time, he seems no different from usual.
He still enthusiastically addresses everyone as “my dear human friend” and is full of easily disproved lies.
Afterwards, aliEn T continues to leave the suitcase several times.
Unlike his first adventure, he is very careful not to be discovered by anyone.
The rundown apartment still does not have a new tenant, and the mailbox is always stuffed with postcards.
The postcards say that Williams returned to his home in Kansas. That he embraced his daughter in the sunset and kissed his wife. It explains how he confessed his weakness to them and was forgiven.
Now they make jam and pickled cucumbers together.
They have opened a family shop and are living a happy life.
aliEn T
- Most iconic song from “Uncle Backpack”—perfect for a fine evening such as this!
- It doesn’t go quite so well with the Dodo Bird Eggnog, but it’s better than nothing …
- To my dear human friend, blessings of happiness and good health to you always.
aliEn T raises his glass in the air. Jazz music for a friend paired with a drink.
aliEn T
- To the nebula!
- To sunspots!
- To wormholes!
- To travelers to distant stars!
- To my beautiful T-9910.2 …
- To my sweet … darling … C-00138 …
(THE END)